PorkAndShellfishUnite

I am intrigued by Pork and Shellfish. I need to know more about them.
 

You local supermarket or butcher can answer many of your questions about pork and shellfish.

Please do not ask an Orthodox Rabbi.
 

During our ritual interpretive dance offering to the God of Oceans and Tidal Rivers on Erev Rosh Hashanah last year, the Rabbi proclaimed, "There is a situation in which pork is kosher [presumably, this includes shellfish]. Can anybody tell me what that situation is?" After indistinct mumblings and several jokes in poor taste from the crowd, he answered, "Pork will be kosher at the time of the Chosen People's redemption, the coming of the [true] Messiah."

Are you there, Messiah? It's me, Lisa H. Whoever you are, please come ASAP so that I may enjoy cpoious amounts of bacon and oysters without destroying any remote chances of wearing a bikini this summer.

(PS: Today I am a woman.)